Hilarious Catholic Elementary School Exam Excerpts

One of my friends forwarded this to me (below, not the picture above); he got it from a Christian friend of his in southern California who thought it uproariously funny. We agreed, and the friend who sent it to me also forwarded it to, among othes, a Jewish friend of his, who also thought it hilarious and, unkown to my original friend, passed it on to one of my original friend's neighbors. Got all that so far? Well, this neighbor is a rather steadfast conservative Christian, and, upon receiving such blasphemy, he fires off a scathing E-mail to my friend (who didn't know it had reached this guy at all) lambasting his making fun of innocently corrupted children or something like that, and telling him in no uncertain terms that my friend was no longer welcome in his home.

In retrospect, my friend should've seen this coming; when he visited this neighbor of his before the whole incident to chat, he finds the TV tuned to Fox News, and not for entertainment purposes. Fox is interviewing Karl Rove, and my friend says something to the effect of "That's the worst man on Earth" just to get a reaction. The Christian neighbor replies, "What do you have against him?" Perfectly straight face.

Republicans out there won't get this, while Democrats will understand all too well. For the record, I'm neither, but even us centrists don't like Bush very much. Anyway...

Here's the E-mail:

"Subj: Fw: Exam Paper excerpts from a Catholic School

Can you imagine the nun sitting at her desk grading these papers, all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure!

PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING.
IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST

KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS
THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED
OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.

1.
IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2.
ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3.
LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4.
THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5.
SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6.
SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7
MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS

8,
THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT
CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

9.
THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10..
THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11.
MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12.
THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13.
DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL
TIMES.

14.
SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15.
WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16.
WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17.
JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18.
ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19.
JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE
BY SWEAT ALONE.

20.
IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21.
THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22.
THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23.
ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24.
ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25..
CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY."

I wouldn't be at all surprised if these were fabricated (where would elementary schoolers learn about cyanide?), but even so the idea's hilarious!

The Controversial Contradictions of One of the Greatest Contributors to the Country

His very name evokes thoughts of Renaissance grandeur, Enlightenment ingenuity, and revolutionary ardor. He's a hallmark of American history, praised and memorialized alongside George Washington, Benjamin Franklin, and others by all American schoolkids. His epitaph said it all, and yet left a lot unstated:

"HERE WAS BURIEDTHOMAS JEFFERSONAUTHOR OF THEDECLARATIONOF AMERICAN INDEPENDENCEOF THESTATUTE OF VIRGINIAFORRELIGIOUS FREEDOMAND FATHER OF THEUNIVERSITY OF VIRGINIABORN APRIL 2, 1743 O.S.DIED JULY 4. 1826"

Real patriot to die on July 4. No, seriously, Jefferson can safely be credited with establishing much of the vital groundwork that would become the United States we all live in today. Having just read Revolutionary Spirits by Gary Kowalski (detailing Jefferson's, among others, religious beliefs) and being in the middle of Undaunted Courage by Stephen Ambrose (about the Lewis and Clark expedition that Jefferson organized), I am even more enamored of this man and all that he accomplished than ever before.

So imagine my consternation when, at a dinner party recently, a guest of a friend, during a discussion about Alexander Hamilton and the Federalists (I know, very elite dinner parties), loudly declared that Thomas Jefferson was "a lecherous bad man" and a few other such insults. Now, being a history buff, I was no stranger to allegations of sexual promiscuity and moral hypocrisy (i.e. slavery), both of which are true, but I was sure that any American could still acknowledge the brilliant contributions Jefferson made to us as a people; whatever his faults, and there were many, he more than qualifies as a national hero. If it wasn't for him, religious liberty would be the butt of jokes at mainstream American dinner tables where prayer to a higher power would be a necessary ritual, the Union would never have expanded much past the original thirteen colonies, and the revolution for independence may well have taken a different turn. Of course, the aforementioned guest was an almost radically conservative Catholic (self-proclaimed; she considered her conservative boyfriend "liberal", which may be justified given his support for Obama), so religious freedom cannot have been a terribly big concern for her, and, in her view, manifest destiny would have carried the day (she had also called native Americans "savages" who deserved what they got at the hands of the US government). She, of course, conveniently forgot that Jefferson was a major proponent of expanding the American empire, backing the Louisiana Purchase against overwhelming domestic opposition and dispatching Meriwether Lewis to explore the new lands.

So, of course, a rousing debate followed; she aired all of Jefferson's dirty laundry, and I conceded that his hypocrisy was morally wrong (at this, she gave a massive sigh, as if to say that if I could justify that, I could justify anything), but I also rolled out Jefferson's endeavors as naturalist, scientist, politician, inventor, etc. and concluded by asking if she thought any of us were better qualified to write a formal letter declaring independence, or formulate a brand-new national constitution, or while we're at it running the country in an age of sail and horses!

For better or for worse, dessert arrived at that point, and the debate ended. I personally thought I'd held my end up, but I was still shocked, saddened, and a little vindicated that I had to rise to the defense of a personage like Jefferson; however villifiable, he helped create a nation where people could hold such insulting opinions freely, and that, I believe, is where his greatness lies.

End tirade.

One Year Later: My Morning - Monday, July 28, 2008

In remembrance of this shocking day, I reupload the blog post I made on Monday, August 20, 2008.

Jim D. Adkisson

I woke this morning at 6:45 A.M., West Coast Time, and went for my normal cross-country-training-regimen mile run before I left for orchestra practice at 9:00. At around 8:00, I was settling into the kitchen, opening the paper, listening to the radio I had just turned on for my mother (NPR), and came across a news article that I found rather shocking. As I read, I heard the same details being discussed on the radio, and started listening. At the time, I really couldn't form any feelings, it was all so shocking. But later that afternoon, I finally realized what I wanted to say.

First, here's what the Associated Press had to say:

" Police: Man shot churchgoers over liberal views
By DUNCAN MANSFIELD – 6 hours ago

KNOXVILLE, Tenn. (AP) — An unemployed man accused of opening fire with a shotgun and killing two people at a Unitarian Universalist church apparently targeted the congregation out of hatred for its support of liberal social policies, police said Monday.
Knoxville Police Chief Sterling Owen IV said a signed, four-page letter written by Jim D. Adkisson, 58, was found in his small SUV in the church parking lot. The gunfire punctuated a children's performance based on the musical "Annie" Sunday, killing two and wounding seven.
"It appears that what brought him to this horrible event was his lack of being able to obtain a job, his frustration over that and his stated hatred of the liberal movement," Owen said at a news conference.
No children were hurt, but five people remained in serious or critical condition Monday. A burly usher who died was hailed as a hero for shielding others from gunfire at the Tennessee Valley Unitarian Universalist Church. Witnesses said some of the church members wrestled the suspect to the ground after he pulled a shotgun from a guitar case and fired three times.
Adkisson, who is charged with one count of first-degree murder, remained jailed Monday under "close observation" on $1 million bail, authorities said. More charges were expected.
Court records from neighboring Anderson County indicate Adkisson threatened violence against his spouse several years ago. In March 2000 his then-wife, Liza Alexander, obtained an order of protection against him after telling a judge that Adkisson had threatened "to blow my brains out and then blow his own brains out."
The woman's written request for protection, reviewed by The Associated Press, said she was "in fear for my life and what he might do."
The Unitarian-Universalist church promotes progressive social work, including advocacy of women and gay rights. The Knoxville congregation also has provided sanctuary for political refugees, fed the homeless and founded a chapter of the American Civil Liberties Union, according to its Web site.
Owen said the letter indicated Adkisson, who neighbors said had previously worked as a truck driver, did not expect to leave the church alive. He added the man reported having no family or next-of-kin.
"He certainly intended to take a lot of casualties," Owen said. "He had 76 rounds with him."
Police said Adkisson carried a 12-gauge semiautomatic shotgun into the church in a guitar case, but it appeared no specific person was targeted. A search of his house also turned up a .38-caliber handgun, Owen added.
Owen said authorities believe the suspect had gone to the Unitarian church because of "some publicity in the recent past regarding its liberal stance on things."
Unitarians have roots in a movement that rejected Puritan orthodoxy in New England. Although individual Unitarian churches can vary dramatically in outlooks, most congregations retain a deep commitment to social justice, which has led many to embrace liberal stances on the ordination of women, civil rights and gay rights.
Adkisson lived in a surburb north of Knoxville, about a 20 minutes' drive from the Unitarian church in an established neighborhood of older homes and several other houses of worship.
The police chief said the shotgun was bought at a pawn shop about a month ago and Adkisson wrote the letter in the last week or so. But he added: "I am sure this is something that has been building a long time in terms of his anger."
He said the state recently sent a letter to Adkisson telling him food stamps he had been receiving would be reduced or eliminated.
Investigators were reviewing several video recordings of the performance by parents and church members. Owen said police would not release the videos nor Adkisson's letter until they have been entered into evidence.
The shooting started as about 200 people watched a show put on by 25 children.
Church member Mark Harmon said he was in the first row when he heard "an incredibly loud bang." He thought the noise was part of the play, then he heard another bang and saw a woman bleeding as he dove for cover.
"It seems so unreal," Harmon said.
Church members praised Greg McKendry, 60, saying he attempted to block the gunfire. Barbara Kemper said that McKendry, who died, "stood in the front of the gunman and took the blast to protect the rest of us."
Kemper said the gunman shouted before he opened fire, though police said others didn't recall him saying anything.
"It was hateful words. He was saying hateful things," she said, refusing to elaborate.
"Greg McKendry was a very large gentleman, one of those people you might describe as a refrigerator with a head," said church member Schera Chadwick. "He looked like a football player. He did obviously stand up and put himself in between the shooter and the congregation."
A second victim who died hours later was identified as Linda Kraeger, 61.
Officials said Adkisson was arraigned Sunday night and faces his next court hearing Aug. 5.
The shooting follows a December 2007 spree in which a man shot four staff members at a missionary training center near Denver, Colo., killing two, after being told he couldn't spend the night. About 12 hours later and 65 miles away in Colorado Springs, police say the 24-year-old man fatally shot a parishioner at a megachurch and wounded four others before killing himself. "

---END OF STORY---

If there's one thing that angers me, it's senseless hate based on beliefs. I am, as I have said before, also a Unitarian Universalist, and proud of it; UUs have a long and proud history of social equality, justice, and liberal views behind them, with much work still being done. But that originally is not what caught my attention; it was this--that someone had stood up to this reckless hate perpetrated by the shotgun-toting Jim Adkisson: Greg McKendry, a burly sixty-year-old usher who, according to witnesses, stepped right up and shielded others from one shotgun blast with his own body, a most selfless and courageous act. At the time, it still hadn't struck me that it was a Unitarian Universalist congregation involved; all my attention was focused on McKendry, a man church members are rightly hailing as a hero. I may profess to have a world view of things, but when I see or hear of instances in which people act or speak based on the conviction that their beliefs are superior or better than those of others, and hence give them the right to act upon or say so, it simply burns my heart, and I become mad, mad at hate, mad at such destructive and elitist attitudes. I can't put what I feel in my soul into words, but let's just say that, as far as tolerance and equality and fairness and kindness are concerned, the world is black and white; there is a clearly defined right and wrong, and those values are clearly in the right, as far as I'm concerned, and those who say different aren't in line with the American values of the same names. Gays and lesbians deserve the right to marry because they are people, they are like us, and they deserve, and we are obligated to give them, equal rights. By the same token, liberals, conservatives, and centrists all have the right to speak on what they believe in, in the case of non-government organizations like churches or congregations, and because of that right they must not be attacked, physically or abusively, just because someone disagrees and hates them. And to be attacked because of promoting true American values of freedom and equality, that simply galls me. I find it hard to feel sympathy for Adkisson, a hateful, spiteful man. True, life was not going well for him, but he also had seventy-three rounds of ammunition, and plainly intended to use it in a situation involving kids, senior citizens, and others. To do so out of hate, to me, is inexcusable. The matter of punishment will surely be decided elsewhere, and it is not for me to say what that should be, nor will I say what I think should happen, mainly because I don't know. It's times like these when people like myself pit their reactions against their values and virtues, in this case anger and calls for retribution vying with ideals of compassion, forgiveness, and understanding. Only time will tell. My heart, soul, and feelings are with the friends and families of the victims today, and with those who suffered through such a torturous event. It is my fervent desire that Unitarian Universalism will continue to be the chalice, the guiding beacon leading towards social progress, and not the NRA bulls-eye that Mr. Adkisson made the Tennessee Valley Unitarian Universalist Church Sunday morning.

http://ap.google.com/article/ALeqM5jOAQKzY-aOBqDspFkEAV_ZO65vZAD926PRRO1

http://ap.google.com/article/ALeqM5jOAQKzY-aOBqDspFkEAV_ZO65vZAD92730HG1

http://ap.google.com/article/ALeqM5jOAQKzY-aOBqDspFkEAV_ZO65vZAD92730HG1

most people don't know about this one: http://www.statejournal.com/story.cfm?func=viewstory&storyid=41724