This arrived in my inbox via E-mail chain a couple months ago, before the election that sent a black senator from Illinois to the White House. I cannot claim credit for this sheer brilliance, nor can I pinpoint its origin, but whatever your political views, one must admit this is a very insightful text! In the spirit of these nonpartisan barbs, I've made the font purple.
So, why did the chicken cross the road?
BARRACK OBAMA: "The chicken crossed the road because it was time for change. The chicken wanted change!"
JOHN MCCAIN: "My friends, that chicken crossed the road because it was a maverick chicken, and it wanted to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road."
SARAH PALIN: "The chicken had to cross the road because it was not able to find a bridge. Alaskans do not build bridges to nowhere. If it wanted a bridge, it'd have to build it itself."
JOE BIDEN: "The chicken crossed the road to head back to Scranton."
HILLARY CLINTON: "When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from day one that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this isn't really about me."
GEORGE W. BUSH: "We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either for us or against us - there is no middle ground."
DICK CHENEY: "Where's my gun?"
COLIN POWELL: "Now there, to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite imagery of the chicken crossing the road."
BILL CLINTON: "I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?"
AL GORE: "I invented the chcken."
JOHN KERRY: "Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled as to the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it."
AL SHARPTON: "Why are all these chickens white? We need some black chickens."
DR. PHIL: "The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that it must first deal with the problems on this side of the road before it goes after the problems on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help it realize how stupid it's acting by not taking on its current problems before adding new ones."
OPRAH: "Well, I understand that this chicken's having problems, which is why it wants to cross the road so badly, so instead of having the chicken learn from its mistakes and take falls, which is a normal part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that it can just drive across the road and not live its life like other chickens."
ANDERSON COOPER: "We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side of the road."
NANCY GRACE: "That chicken crossed the road because it's guilty! You can see it in its eyes and the way it walks!"
PAT BUCHANAN: "To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American."
MARTHA STEWART: "No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going or when it was going to cross the road. I had a standing order at the farmers' market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information."
DR. SEUSS: "Did the chicken cross the road? Did it cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it cross I've not been told."
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: "To die in the rain, alone."
GRANDPA: "In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was that."
BARBARA WALTERS: "Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we'll be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming tale of how it experienced a serious case of molting and then went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road."
ARISTOTLE: "It is the nature of chickens to cross roads."
JOHN LENNON: "Imagine all the chickens of the world crossing roads together in peace."
BILL GATES: "I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but also lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008, and this system is much more stable and will never reboot."
ALBERT EINSTEIN: "Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road merely move beneath the chicken?"
COLONEL SANDERS: "Did I miss one?"
- Cheers! -
